Finished my first semester

I have finished my first semester, it was actually on Monday 12/12/11 that I finished it, but my brain was too foggy to write about it.  I have paid for next semester and I have not a clue on how I did on my finals.  This first semester was exhausting, and after several panic attacks I feel like I am finally getting my head above water.  I know it will not get any easier in the coming months and years, but for right now I will pretend to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand and not acknowledge the hard reality that lies ahead.  I am going to enjoy the few weeks I have off, before I have to start studying again and before classes start up again.

I am enjoying my classes, enjoying the people in my classes, and even enjoy how my professors interact with us in class and when we go to them for extra help.  I do not think this was a mistake, but I still am not sure what I want to do with a law degree.  I have worked hard these past few months and now I want to play and relax.  I am sure that once the semester starts up again and when I get my grades back my stress level will rise like never before.  My hope has changed to working hard to pass, and trying not to get put on anxiety medication in the process.  I did make it through finals without a panic attack (huge progress from mid-terms), but it could have also been due to my physical and mental exhaustion.

I have started looking at summer programs and mediation programs, and I think being a mediator instead of a litigator sounds appealing to me.  Now I need to start re-working my resume so that it can show how I would be qualified for that, I guess next semester I'll stop by Career Services to get advice from them.  I have no clue what I will do over the summer, maybe pro bono so that I have experience and maybe that will help me figure out what direction I want to go.

I have said to others I work hard so that when I get a chance to play I can, I have worked hard these last few months and now I think I will relax and play during the holidays.

November 6, 2011

Simple thing I am thankful for: parents who love me

Simple thing that made me smile: oatmeal

Best line of the day: Those two need to wipe each other out so the points race will include more people - my mom while watching the Texas NASCAR race

advice of others

I have been listening to advice from everyone and anyone who will share, some I have taken, some I have ignored, some I am on the fence about.  I am trying to remain peaceful, but realize that the stress is creeping into my life in almost every place and in every way.  I am really trying hard not to let it stress me out, but I feel like I am losing the battle. I don't know how this will be and how I will survive the next four years.  I know I used to be fun and enjoyable, I am slowly realizing that is slipping away little by little due to the stress and the amount of studying I have to do.  I am hoping I can find away of not letting it slip away even more.  I am getting emotionally drained too fast and too often lately.  Anyone out there have advice?  I am willing to listen.

Midterms are back

I received my midterms back today, one was good one was not so good.  I go tomorrow to see my professor to try and help me do better for finals.  I know I keep saying all I need is a C to pass and keep my 2.0 GPA.  I really want to pass and do well, I will settle for passing, but seeing a bad grade today almost made me have a panic attack.  The only thing that kept me from completely freaking out was that I was in a crowded classroom and I caught my chest tightening and my breathing was off.  I focused very hard on breathing steadily and not letting my panic get too high.  I am faltering at something for the first time in my life, I don't know how to handle this or what this means for me.  I just want to pass, I just want to enjoy the time I have in law school, I want to enjoy my life.  I am sacrificing so much time with studying, preparing for class, and going to law school that I upset that it might not be paying off for me. Is the sacrifice worth it?  Will the things I am giving up now be equal to or greater than the experiences that law school will give me?

mid-terms over with

well my mid-terms are over and done with.  Now the waiting game of getting mid-terms back and waiting to see how I did (please lord, I know there are more important things in the world to focus on, but please let me have at least earned a C on both of them).  I am completely exhausted and am thankful that the lake is able to restore my soul, because I am starting to think that being in law school is making me into a stressed out lunatic.  I am clueless on how I did, how I think I did, and what the curve, if any, will do to my grade.  This is a very, very strange thing to do to myself for four years.  I just keep hearing people tell me that it will be worth it in the end.  Honestly, right now I just want to pass my classes.  I am also trying to figure out what I will be doing this summer, should I try for an internship or stick with just taking classes?  Decisions, decisions, and my brain is not really able to make those right now.  Today, I am lucky that I didn't have a lot to pick from when getting dressed, because any type of decision today will be hard for my brain to make.

One down, one to go

I finished my first mid-term last night.  I couldn't sleep afterwards, I realized that while I probably did not fail I know I did not do well, and this morning I have broken out in hives due to the stress.  I just keep telling myself I just need  C to pass, I just need a C.  Is it wrong to pray that I at least got a C?  Please lord, let me have at least gotten a C so that I don't have to worry about failing out of law school.

My writing is the biggest issue I will face, and truthfully I know it is, I have tried working on it but it just doesn't seem to be getting any better.  Thankfully, I can say that it hasn't gotten worse.

Oh well, I'll study more and try and be ready for my second mid-term on Thursday night.  I figure worse case I just take a sleeping pill after that so I can sleep.

Mid-term Prep

Mid-terms begin this week.  I have been studying, but I have no idea if it is how I should be studying.  I keep hearing that these are different types of exams and even though I have done the prep material and reviewed the previews mid-terms I still have no idea what to do.  I am torn between being nervous and stressed out and just not having the energy to be that stressed since I am so busy studying and preparing for the mid-terms.  It has been a crazy first half of the semester and I just felt like I was getting my head above the water and getting a steady pace going to keep me afloat.  Now, this and I just feel like someone is shoving my head underwater again.  It is just so much of rush, rush, rush, and now did you learn anything during the rush?  It is so different than my other college experiences.  My classmates are starting to worry about summer class already, and here I am just trying to make sure I pass mid-terms and then finals.  The pressure of what others think and how they are acting is starting to make me nervous, that since my mind is not as far forward in worrying and time frames as theirs is, that I am falling behind and wont do well in law school.  I am really trying to just worry about myself and do the best that I can, but sometimes like today that was really hard to do.
Here is to hoping that I do well and at the bare minimum pass my mid-terms.

How many hours?????????????

So I have been struggling through the reading, the outlining, and basically doing my best to keep my head above water.  It was mentioned to me today that after the two hours of academic tutoring on Sunday several of my classmates spent another 4 hours (yes four, making that a total of 6 hours on a Sunday) in a study group for just one of our classes.  Now, I am about getting good grades, but I am in no way willing to spend a total of 6 hours on a Sunday studying, and they didn't finish, so they are going back again this Sunday.  I don't know if it is events in my life this year, or what but I have no intention of giving up that much of my life.  I am happy with getting a C so I can pass and not have to take a class again.  That is way too much time to be away from family and friends, and giving up all the fun things in life that make life worth living.  I realize I used to be that competitive and that obsessive about getting good grades, but I just don't see the trade off being worth it.  Tell me how missing out on  an Adele concert to spend 6 hours studying is going to make my life better.  How much is that A really worth?  I have come to the conclusion that I am very willing to give up getting the A so that I can enjoy life.  A lawyer who graduates last in her class is still has a J.D.  While I don't want to be last, I just want to pass and still enjoy life.  If I can't do both I will have to seriously look at law school and what value and place it really has in my life.  I am already giving up seeing my friends on any kind of regular basis have had to turn down invites to events 'with eligible guys' because I am in class 3 nights a week and doing almost 200 pages of reading a week, plus outlining and trying to make heads and tails of mid-term prep.  I guess we will see how life goes and how this semester ends.

Surprises

There was a surprise today, one of my classmates has left.  I did not see this coming, and while I have thought about leaving I at least want to give it a real shot instead of just a few short weeks.  I got called on in class, and my classmates told me I did a good job, not sure if I did or not, but I don't feel like the professor was calling on me or trying to make me feel stupid.  I have no idea how or why but I don't think the Socratic method is a bad thing, maybe it is because I have had professors who used it before.
I don't know what to make of a classmate leaving.  I am still very stressed and think that these next four years will be the hardest and most frustrating of my life.  I don't feel like I know material, and I am constantly confused about what is expected and what I need to do or have ready or understand or know already.
I am more confused now than when I started law school.

Week 3

I have made it through my first writing test, did not do too badly, in fact I did well.  I went to the first tutoring sessions for Civ Pro and Torts, I'll be a repeat customer to those sessions.  I have had more meltdowns, my parents may kill me before I graduate as my meltdowns are often on the weekends after a week of feeling overwhelmed.  This is not fun, I remember at least enjoying some of my other days in college.  Oh, well.  Things are starting to look up, I answered a question in Torts, and I think I got it right and a check mark.  Maybe, that means I don't have to be worried about being called on for awhile.  I can hope can't I?

week 2

I made it though the 2nd week of classes, just in time to celebrate Labor Day weekend, only to realize just how much reading, case briefing, and studying for Tuesday's test.  I have no idea how to study for a legal writing exam, because in class even if I spot the 'right' issue I never seem to write it the way the professor does.  I am starting to think it will be a miracle if I don't flunk out.  At least, I hope I will do better in my other classes, maybe that can offset any bad grades I will get in legal writing.  It is such a strange concept to me that a class grade will be determined by only one or two exams.  I know I read material ahead of time that warned me of this, but it is still so strange.  I am coming to realize my previous need to be an A student is not as important as it once was, for many reasons, but mainly because I don't think I have enough time in the day or my life to be that obsessive about it.  I am starting to come up for air and feel like I am starting to tread water, but I don't have my head up high enough for me to breath easily.  I hope that as the semester goes on I get into a routine, and that this becomes easier.  Is this one of those mind over matters issues, like the Little Engine Who Could, if I keep telling myself that I will survive and it will be easier, it will become so.
I guess I'll have to wait and figure it out.

Week 1

I started classes, survived week one and only had one major meltdown over the weekend.  Tons of smaller meltdowns during the week, but only one major one.  I like the classes, I like my classmates, I feel like I am sinking in quicksand with my lack of knowledge, and I am thinking it is best to pretend things just don't exist instead of dealing with the fear.  I have no idea if what I am doing is right, or if I am even going to survive the next four years.  I need to buy stock in Pepto Bismo, since my stomach is constantly telling me that I want to throw up, and have been downing it on almost a daily basis.  I can't write or think in complete thoughts anymore and as I write this I am running through the list of readings and assignments that I need to start doing.  Tons of cases to brief and way to many pages of a foreign language to read.  I am regretting not taking Latin in high school, and trying to remember if it was even offered for me to regret not taking it.  I give up!  No, wait I don't, no wait I do, no wait I don't, no wait I do.  My mind can't make decisions anymore, I am lucky if I remember anything at all.  -This has been my week in such a nutshell, and now I have to get back to briefing cases and reading how to do legal writing.  I may never see my friends in the four years as my nights are taken up with classes and reading for them.

Orientation Done

I have completed the orientation to law school, and I am more scared now than ever.  Do they make is seem worse so that you get though and realize it hasn't been 4 years of hell?  Yes, I have heard several times over the last few days that it will be 4 years of hell, 4 incredibly hard years, 4 years of hardship, etc.  I just keep questioning is it really worth it?  Will it be something that will be able to do?  This week is making me question it more than I have before.  I hope I can do this, I just don't know how much I am willing to give up to make it happen.

textbooks

I have just ordered my textbooks for one of my classes, and it is close to $400.  What am I thinking?  Why am I spending this money on textbooks?  Will I really be able to have a law career after all is said and done?  I have read that only the top of the class gets the good internships and the good jobs.  Will I have to become one of those competitive people just so I can get a shot a position that will have a good pay attached to it?  Maybe I should study international law and hope I can find a job in a nice country that isn't rioting every night or starting to circle the financial drain (or in it).  Here is to hoping that I will not have a complete panic attack next week at orientation.

Got my student ID card

I have now gotten my student ID card, I am as ready for law school as I can be.  I guess the journey begins in a week.  Any advice, any suggestions, any ideas on how to keep my sanity while going through this?

Sadly I say goodbye to one concert

Today I realized that my first week of classes also includes a Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow concert and a NASCAR race.  I will have to give one up :( and sadly it is the concert.  I hope this does not continue to happen or law school may not be in my cards for long.  I enjoy going to concerts, and would be devastated if I have to give up going to them just so I can study.
Anyone know if it is possible to have a social life and be in law school while working full time?

2 weeks to go

I now just have 2 weeks left before my law school career begins.  I am starting to feel the dread and fear that my life will be drastically different for the next for years, and that my social life will be almost non-existent.  People keep telling me this will be a good thing, if I don't like it I don't have to finish it (that nerd part of me just doesn't think I can start a school program and then not finish it), and my personal favorite it will be worth it in the end.  The end might be worth it, but is what I will have to go through until the end worth it?  What if I don't want to be a lawyer in the end?  What if I can't find a job as a lawyer in the end?  This economy isn't the best so why would we need more lawyers.  The fear has definitely hit me, and I am hoping that once the classes start it will go away.

Tuition and Books

My journey in law school begins.  I have officially paid my first semester's tuition and I have ordered books for all but one of my classes.  That is a ton of money, and I still have to pay for the Spring Semester in a few short months.  I don't know what I have gotten myself into, but I hope that somehow and in someway this will help me.  If anyone out there remembers the fears of starting law school while working full time, please let me know if they fear of being crazy goes away once classes start.  I just keep thinking this is a crazy thing to do, and that I am crazy to be working full time and taking classes three nights a week so that I can get a J.D.  Other people do this, so surely I can to.  Maybe if I just keep telling myself that I can make it through the next few weeks until classes actually start.