Finished my first semester

I have finished my first semester, it was actually on Monday 12/12/11 that I finished it, but my brain was too foggy to write about it.  I have paid for next semester and I have not a clue on how I did on my finals.  This first semester was exhausting, and after several panic attacks I feel like I am finally getting my head above water.  I know it will not get any easier in the coming months and years, but for right now I will pretend to be an ostrich and stick my head in the sand and not acknowledge the hard reality that lies ahead.  I am going to enjoy the few weeks I have off, before I have to start studying again and before classes start up again.

I am enjoying my classes, enjoying the people in my classes, and even enjoy how my professors interact with us in class and when we go to them for extra help.  I do not think this was a mistake, but I still am not sure what I want to do with a law degree.  I have worked hard these past few months and now I want to play and relax.  I am sure that once the semester starts up again and when I get my grades back my stress level will rise like never before.  My hope has changed to working hard to pass, and trying not to get put on anxiety medication in the process.  I did make it through finals without a panic attack (huge progress from mid-terms), but it could have also been due to my physical and mental exhaustion.

I have started looking at summer programs and mediation programs, and I think being a mediator instead of a litigator sounds appealing to me.  Now I need to start re-working my resume so that it can show how I would be qualified for that, I guess next semester I'll stop by Career Services to get advice from them.  I have no clue what I will do over the summer, maybe pro bono so that I have experience and maybe that will help me figure out what direction I want to go.

I have said to others I work hard so that when I get a chance to play I can, I have worked hard these last few months and now I think I will relax and play during the holidays.

November 6, 2011

Simple thing I am thankful for: parents who love me

Simple thing that made me smile: oatmeal

Best line of the day: Those two need to wipe each other out so the points race will include more people - my mom while watching the Texas NASCAR race

advice of others

I have been listening to advice from everyone and anyone who will share, some I have taken, some I have ignored, some I am on the fence about.  I am trying to remain peaceful, but realize that the stress is creeping into my life in almost every place and in every way.  I am really trying hard not to let it stress me out, but I feel like I am losing the battle. I don't know how this will be and how I will survive the next four years.  I know I used to be fun and enjoyable, I am slowly realizing that is slipping away little by little due to the stress and the amount of studying I have to do.  I am hoping I can find away of not letting it slip away even more.  I am getting emotionally drained too fast and too often lately.  Anyone out there have advice?  I am willing to listen.

Midterms are back

I received my midterms back today, one was good one was not so good.  I go tomorrow to see my professor to try and help me do better for finals.  I know I keep saying all I need is a C to pass and keep my 2.0 GPA.  I really want to pass and do well, I will settle for passing, but seeing a bad grade today almost made me have a panic attack.  The only thing that kept me from completely freaking out was that I was in a crowded classroom and I caught my chest tightening and my breathing was off.  I focused very hard on breathing steadily and not letting my panic get too high.  I am faltering at something for the first time in my life, I don't know how to handle this or what this means for me.  I just want to pass, I just want to enjoy the time I have in law school, I want to enjoy my life.  I am sacrificing so much time with studying, preparing for class, and going to law school that I upset that it might not be paying off for me. Is the sacrifice worth it?  Will the things I am giving up now be equal to or greater than the experiences that law school will give me?

mid-terms over with

well my mid-terms are over and done with.  Now the waiting game of getting mid-terms back and waiting to see how I did (please lord, I know there are more important things in the world to focus on, but please let me have at least earned a C on both of them).  I am completely exhausted and am thankful that the lake is able to restore my soul, because I am starting to think that being in law school is making me into a stressed out lunatic.  I am clueless on how I did, how I think I did, and what the curve, if any, will do to my grade.  This is a very, very strange thing to do to myself for four years.  I just keep hearing people tell me that it will be worth it in the end.  Honestly, right now I just want to pass my classes.  I am also trying to figure out what I will be doing this summer, should I try for an internship or stick with just taking classes?  Decisions, decisions, and my brain is not really able to make those right now.  Today, I am lucky that I didn't have a lot to pick from when getting dressed, because any type of decision today will be hard for my brain to make.

One down, one to go

I finished my first mid-term last night.  I couldn't sleep afterwards, I realized that while I probably did not fail I know I did not do well, and this morning I have broken out in hives due to the stress.  I just keep telling myself I just need  C to pass, I just need a C.  Is it wrong to pray that I at least got a C?  Please lord, let me have at least gotten a C so that I don't have to worry about failing out of law school.

My writing is the biggest issue I will face, and truthfully I know it is, I have tried working on it but it just doesn't seem to be getting any better.  Thankfully, I can say that it hasn't gotten worse.

Oh well, I'll study more and try and be ready for my second mid-term on Thursday night.  I figure worse case I just take a sleeping pill after that so I can sleep.

Mid-term Prep

Mid-terms begin this week.  I have been studying, but I have no idea if it is how I should be studying.  I keep hearing that these are different types of exams and even though I have done the prep material and reviewed the previews mid-terms I still have no idea what to do.  I am torn between being nervous and stressed out and just not having the energy to be that stressed since I am so busy studying and preparing for the mid-terms.  It has been a crazy first half of the semester and I just felt like I was getting my head above the water and getting a steady pace going to keep me afloat.  Now, this and I just feel like someone is shoving my head underwater again.  It is just so much of rush, rush, rush, and now did you learn anything during the rush?  It is so different than my other college experiences.  My classmates are starting to worry about summer class already, and here I am just trying to make sure I pass mid-terms and then finals.  The pressure of what others think and how they are acting is starting to make me nervous, that since my mind is not as far forward in worrying and time frames as theirs is, that I am falling behind and wont do well in law school.  I am really trying to just worry about myself and do the best that I can, but sometimes like today that was really hard to do.
Here is to hoping that I do well and at the bare minimum pass my mid-terms.